I have a confession to make – I have commitment phobia.
After I wrote The Power of Being Your Words, I got many heart-felt responses. It reflects the social norm that words are increasing cheap. We stop trusting ourselves and others if we don’t honor our words. I wrote that post because words are important to me. When I say something, I commit to it. And I want to create a world where we are trusting and always at choice.
I don’t make commitment easily. I rather show my dedication with actions than words. I don’t make commitment that I am unsure if I can keep. To me, making commitment is responsibility. I don’t want to let others down, not to mention, let myself down for not being in integrity my words.
It seems to be good and noble. Until it’s not.
On the other side of not making commitments is the fear of failures. Instead of committing to things whole-heartedly, I can have second thought. Then if I fail, I can always say that I haven’t put my 100% in. This thought seems to make the failure not as shameful to me.
This pattern shows up for me in many aspects. For one, I want to commit to coaching for life without going back to the tech industry working full-time. Yet, I don’t want to commit fully concerning what if I don’t make it.
Another one, I want to have a loving and happy relationship with my partner. And I do. We’ve been together for 8 years. I am as committed to her as my partner for life. We laugh, be silly, and grow together. Yet, I have the fear of commitment to marriage from all the horror stories I’ve seen around me.
What’s the impact of being a commitment-phobe?
I can be 90% there. Yet, the last 10% is the biggest chasm to cross. I do not show up as powerfully as I can when fears are driving me. I miss the unconditional loving, the inner knowing, and the presence when I fully trust myself and others in my relationships.
It’s like a life lived 90%, instead fully. I certainly don’t want that. I also know that when I commit fully, it’s like a black hole that attract all the things to meet that commitment. The power can be 2 folds or even 10 folds.
Luckily and intuitively, I joined a discussions yesterday around commitment that completely shifted my view. I have the opportunity to examine and rewrite my relationship with commitment.
“Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose – and commit myself to – what is best for me” ~ Paulo Coelho
I couldn’t believe it when I heard it. Freedom is the last word I would associate with commitment. To me, commitment is heavy, responsibilities, and getting stuck in something until I’ve done it.
However, as people shared their perspectives and how they live their commitments, my world started to shift.
- Commitment needs to be aligned with us: when our heart and body say no, it’s a NO. If it’s a maybe, it is a NO.
- Let the NO be the commitment to ourselves. There is no need to explain it.
- Commitment is never obligation. It is a joyful choice that we always have. We never commit to something we don’t want to do. We are always at the driver seat.
- Commitment is too rigid when it’s no longer aligned with who we are. We have the flexibility to re-write the commitment with ourselves and others. We can review and revive our commitments on a regular basis.
- Flexibility in commitment is a reason to have a conversation with ourselves or with others. We can always negotiate and practice that flexibility.
- Commitment is not always an “either…or” choice. When we need flexibility as situation comes up, we can think about the “yes…and” for what’s possible.
- Commitment is not scary or stuck if we are fully aligned with ourselves.
- Commitment is the CREATION muscle. We start with committing to something small and keeping it. Then, we commit to something slightly bigger and make it. If you can’t make it, shrink the goal. Our capacity to create grows as we practice commitment.
- When commitment is total freedom, we stop making up reasons we can’t do things. Instead, we focus on the reasons we CAN.
I’m simply blown away. These perspectives are such a powerful place to come from and live in. As I start to integrate them, I finally lift the “commitment weight” off my shoulder. I am now excited for all the possibilities I can create that’s fully aligned with who I am! Commitment starts to feel light and fun as I imagine saying as many NOs as possible to others. 😂 I can start living FULLY creating what’s truly important to me.
What resonates with you the most?
What NOs can you commit to not doing?
What freedom would you like to create from your commitment?
Love,
Wen
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