In my first ever coaching session with a stranger, I didn’t even finish the planned hour-long session.
He’s an elder who responded to my pro bono coaching offer. He wanted to talk about the pain he’s going through with aging. My heart sank and my mouth was dry. I knew nothing about aging, which made me even more nervous.
In that phone call, instead of being present, I focused on “asking the next good question” and struggled. Before I built a great connection with him, I started asking private questions regarding his health.
In just 20 minutes, he said: “sorry I don’t feel comfortable enough to keep going”. I acknowledged him and hung up the call.
I was in a shame storm.
“Am I really made up for coaching?”, “Am I going to coach again when I failed so miserably?” I thought. I could feel every ounce of passion toward coaching left me.
Regardless of the disappointment toward myself, I kept the note I took that day. I promised myself that I would look back to this experience one day and be proud of my progress. (spoil alert – that day is today!)
We all face situations like this. Thoughts like these come up when we step outside of our comfort zone.
“Am I good enough for this?” Or
“I got to where I am out of pure luck. Someone someday will find out I am a fraud.”, Or
“I’ll look like a failure if I ask for help or make a mistake. I gotta do this PERFECTLY on my own even if it’s my first time doing it.” Or
“I need to take THAT next training / responsibility / certificate. I need to prove myself first. Then I will be ready.”
Sound familiar?
The imposter syndrome comes up whenever we stretch ourselves toward something unfamiliar. These self-doubts can hold us up, hold us back, or even move us backward.
The topic of imposter syndrome comes up again and again when I’m with my clients. It shows up in all genders, all races, all ages. Many come to me wanting to learn a few tips to get rid of it.
Yet, my advice is always –
“Stop trying to get rid of the imposter syndrome. Get good at it, instead” ~ Rich Litvin
Imagine this – if you’re doing something you can finish with closed eyes, you aren’t going to feel like an imposter. You might feel bored, which in my view is way worse than imposter syndrome.
Therefore when your imposter comes up next time, recognize it and give yourself a pat on the shoulder – good job!
Because, you are stretching yourself out of your comfort zone.
Since the feeling of being an imposter is inevitable, we might as well get good at it.
But how? You asked.
It’s simple but not easy. It takes time to unwire the conditioned brain.
3+ years after the very first coaching session I mentioned above, I now focus on my clients when I coach. I am fully present and the rest of the world fades away (including my imposter). It’s only me and my clients left. I no longer hear my imposter. Instead, I see my clients’ imposters. I can look into their deepest fears / emotions and teach them to unblock themselves. I can see their way of being beyond their words. I can sense the words unsaid. I can see their power and teach them to step into it.
Another – it took me 3 years to write my first blog post and 1 more month to share it with a living soul. 10 months and 30 posts later, I no longer feel my imposter around writing. I write for myself first. And, I know I continue to add value if I can stimulate one person’s mind.
This quarter, I recorded 12 videos and published them weekly on LinkedIn and Facebook. I felt super weird when I recorded the first video. I did it at least 20 times before I uploaded it. The process got a bit better the second time, and then a bit better the third time. In the end, I can finish most recordings in less than 3 tries (oh yes, I still re-record)
Then, I went on two podcast interviews last month.
My imposter showed up full force this time –
“who do you think you are to teach other female entrepreneurs what to do”,
“you don’t sound professional with the thick accent”,
“are you sure your stories are worth listening to?”,
“wait – even if your accent is okay, are you a good public speaker?”. It went on and on.
I did it anyway.
When I reviewed the recorded video from the host, I felt so embarrassed hearing so many flaws in the way I spoke. I have the urge to request a new recording.
Yet, I say NO to my perfectionist imposter.
I know when I do something new for the first time, I can be terrible at it.
And, I am okay with it.
I’m not afraid of being messy for the world to see that getting good at something is a beautiful and rewarding process.
Because – I know I’m going to do better next time. It’s where the exponential growth comes from.
The best part is – it brings me to places I did not know I can get to.
Your turn –
- What is your imposter saying to you?
- Pat on your shoulder that you’re stretching yourself and growing exponentially 😎
- What do you do to get good at it?
Love,
Wen
P.S.
- I am starting a group coaching session for 1st & 2nd generation immigrant female leaders. If you want to hear more, please book a time with me.
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