“I knew immediately I wanted to say NO when I’m asked to be the event coordinator. But I still said yes. What’s wrong with me?”.
My client Sandy brought this up yesterday in our coaching session. She wants to understand why she has problems saying no with strategies to help her set better boundaries in the future.
Sound familiar? The event can be being invited to a party or being asked to take on work outside of your role. You name it. Me too. I used to be like this. Until I found out, there are three reasons we have problems saying NOs:
1. The confusion around pleasing versus serving
For many, the difficulty oftentimes comes from the desire to please others.
It makes complete sense. It’s normal to want to please others. It’s crucial to our survival growing up. When we do what our parents or teachers ask us, we are rewarded. Otherwise, we might get punished. We got so good at it that we have problems undoing it now. We soon have a hard time to tell the truth or truly connect with others when we want to please.
This is the case for Sandy. After getting more context on the situation, I asked her what’s preventing her from saying no. I knew she’s a people pleaser from our past conversation.
“I feel bad for the other person. I want to help and serve. When I need time to recover from work or my busy weekend schedule, I don’t feel it’s a good enough reason to say no.” she said.
“Interesting. So an appointment with yourself to recover is not as important as pleasing others?” I asked.
She pulsed and thought more deeply about it. “Now that you put it that way. It doesn’t really make sense”.
“I’m curious. What’s your definition of service since you mentioned you want to help others?” I asked.
“My definition of service is doing something for someone that helps them to serve a purpose.” Sandy replied.
Immediately, I know where the problem is. “No wonder you can’t say NOs to people. Whenever people ask for help that meets your definition of service, your tendency is to serve. But are you really serving?”
“What do you mean by that?” she asked.
“Well. How do you feel now about being the event coordinator?” I asked.
“To be honest, I am dragging it. I keep replaying that conversation wishing I said no. Moreover, I feel resentful for putting myself in this situation. I do not have motivation to move the process forward.” she said.
“Exactly. You are not serving anyone if you are not genuinely engaged. Even if you get to please someone initially, it’s not going to last. ” I hold the space for her to digest what I said.
“That’s true. Now I understand how saying yes is not serving me or others if my heart is not really there.”, “With that understanding, what can I do to help me say NOs more?” She asked.
“How about upgrading your definition of service to include YOU in the equation? What would being at service for others AND you look like?”
“Ah…. that’s right. I didn’t even think about myself.” I saw a light-bulb moment.
“My new definition is doing something that I’m truly passionate about to help others to serve a bigger purpose.” Immediately, I saw her face lit up. We ran through a few scenarios to try the new definition out. She’s excited to be at service for herself and others again.
The counterintuitive truth is sometimes saying “no” to people is a better way to serve them. And us!
2. We Say Yes Out Of Fear
The fear of shutting down doors to future opportunities forever.
The fear of being seen as selfish.
The fear of missing out.
The fear of not being seen as capable.
The fear of authority.
The fear of creating conflicts.
The list goes on and on…
We imagine horrible stories in our head and say yes to prevent them from happening. YES that comes from fear might lead to short-term relief. However, whenever we make a fear-based decision, we instantly feel small. We suppress what’s true for us to maintain an image that works for others. In other words, we reject ourselves out of fear, repeatedly.
The worst thing is it robs us of the time and energy to do what’s truly important to us.
Maybe our time management issue is not about time after all. It’s more about if we make decisions out of fear or desire.
The good news is once we have the awareness, we get to make our decisions consciously.
3. Well…It’s Personal
Yes, we share similar experience. Yet, that doesn’t mean all issues are created equal. Many I talk to have their own set of limiting beliefs holding them back from setting boundaries. It takes time to identify and untangle the root. Nonetheless, it can be a fun and rewarding exercise to start that conversation with yourself, your loved ones, or even better – with me! 😉
Having the awareness and the mindset shift around boundaries is an important first step. However, the real change comes from practicing saying NOs. It can feel weird to begin with. The other party might even feel betrayal. But, it gets easier and more enjoyable as we do more of it.
When we continue to grow our muscles of saying NOs, a much happier and fulfilled life awaits.
Love,
Wen
P.S.