The past 10 days had been CRAZY.
I was in a 10-day retreat to do the inner work with myself.
I wasn’t sure if I had what it takes since I slept through half of my very first one-day retreat before.
I was nervous and excited.
I wanted to come out as a changed person. No small expectation here.
It was not easy. In fact, it was challenging.
I went through 9 days with no screen, no meat, no sugar, no caffeine, and no processed food. I didn’t know it’s possible for me.
Surprisingly, the anxiety and worries left me within a day. I started to enjoy life with no string attached.
I didn’t need to check my emails or text. Nothing! (I could blame on the retreat 😛)
I couldn’t numb myself in my free time but to be present with myself, my thoughts, and my surroundings.
It’s like shaking off the weight on my shoulder. I was detoxing from my addictions day after day.
And, the biggest addition I was really breaking away from is fears.
Fears of white males, rich people, homeless, black guys, war in Taiwan, hierarchy, Republicans, not being loved, losing loved ones, being seen, not being seen, comparison, losing everything, conflict, and criticism. Oh and of course – death.
I can keep going on my fear list and it might never end.
I processed through one fear after another, and another, and then another.
I felt irritated, angry, disgusted, disappointed, hurt, terrified, defensive, frustrated, impatient, annoyed, and hopeless.
As the day went on, many of my deep rooted beliefs seemed ridiculous.
- white men are jerk and privileged
- being rich is evil
- conservatives are destroying the world
- I’m too short
- her negative emotions drag me down
Every belief I questioned, I found more space to breath with new energy.
I laughed from my deepest sorrow.
I cried tears of joy.
I hugged more people in 10 days than in the past 20 years.
I made amends with myself and others, alive or dead.
I sat with strangers and felt immersive love for them.
I became aware of how I manipulate people to get their love or approval.
I appreciate my body more.
I listened to and felt my emotions deeply.
I caught my justifications.
I felt the truth in me.
As I peeked around the new world with less fog, things got clear.
The world is simply loving and lovable as how I create it to be.
Don’t get me wrong. No, I didn’t come out of it a changed person.
Rather, I’m finding way back to myself.
It’s only the beginning.
Who cares if I’m crazy when it’s crazy good! 😇
“Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open? Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking. The entrance door to the sanctuary is inside you.” ~ Rumi
Love,
Wen