“I know where my insecurity came from – my family.”
“I never feel I am enough because of the constant comparison from my mom.”
“I am a people pleaser. I learned to make my family happy growing up.”
“I feel embarrassed when I can’t meet my parents’ expectations.”
Sound familiar? Conversations like this come up again and again in my coaching conversations as we explore the deep-rooted blockers they are facing.
With every comparison, every misbehavior, every disappointment, we build up layers of armor to protect our future self. We take that all in and internalize it. Now, we don’t even need our family to say anything. We are skilled at criticizing ourselves!
It’s completely normal to learn these protection mechanisms. In human society, it’s called survival skills. We want to belong to a tribe. Our parents received the same conditioning from their parents to keep them safe. And, they pass it on to us to keep us safe. We might consciously (or unconsciously) teach it to our children as well.
We might even grow resentment toward these seemingly unsupportive gestures wishing the other person will change.
Or, it’s much easier to blame, to judge, or to victimize ourselves than changing what’s familiar.
You gotta understand. This is the cultural conditioning your parents grow up with. They are doing the best they can – probably the only way they know – to protect you. They fear that you take too big of risks. They fear you don’t have an easy life. They fear no one is there to take care of you when they are gone. These nags, concerns, worries, judgements, and comparisons are all different forms of LOVE in disguise if you look closer.
With that insight, we get to look at the world differently. We can be thankful for the old beliefs. We can be amazed at how well these old stories have protected us. We can forgive ourselves for keeping ourselves small.
Then, rather than wanting others to change, we know we can take the power back – we get to write new beliefs from the lens of love:
- “I never feel I am enough because of the constant comparison” becomes “wow. I’m so loved because she’s so worried about me.”
- From “I am a people pleaser” to “what does it look like if I put myself in the equation?”
- “I feel embarrassed not meeting other people’s expectation ” to “How brave that I tried it. I did my best for where I am today. What’s the growth opportunity here?”
When we move from being a victim to a cycle breaker, we not only heal ourselves but we get to heal 7 generations before and after us!
That’s how powerful we are!
Love,
Wen