I just made an invitation to coach a VP, Engineering, who used to be my skip level. It’s a BIG DEAL to me and I am writing this post to CELEBRATE!
Here is why.
Growing up, I was a curious kid with a deep desire to understand how things work. I asked questions all the time. However, as soon as I entered the school system, I was told to obey hierarchy. We don’t question the rules. We can get punished for being opinionated or challenging authority. Within a few months, I learned to memorize what’s on the textbook to have the right answers in exams without questioning it.
When I came to the U.S. for grad school, my old way of thinking and behaving were challenged. Being quiet and waiting for the right answers no longer worked.
I needed to unlearn so many things from my culture. Over time, I learned to raise my hand to express and expand my thoughts in front of people. I learned to think about topics more deeply to form my own opinions. It’s a difficult shift but a good one.
After I entered the workforce, the hierarchy came back. I was rewarded for being opinionated with great initiatives to a certain degree. There was an invisible boundary on how much I can push safely versus a no-go direct-challenge. As I got into management, I learned a lot more about how the system works, especially in the male-dominated tech industry. I started hiding a part of me because I don’t feel safe. The more experienced I became as an engineering leader, the more I witnessed examples of how hierarchy negatively impacted people at work. The fear of judgment and retaliation is everywhere.
Then, I got laid off last year. It’s the ultimate proof that someone higher in the chain could influence my life without my consensus. It rocked my core and instilled fear toward authority so badly.
Fast forward to now. As a coach, I continue to work on myself. I follow my curiosity. I feel the exponential growth. I increase my impact every day with my business.
Yet, there is one area I don’t want to touch – corporations. When my connections ask about coaching their teams at work, I say I want to focus on coaching individuals. It is the most pure way of coaching without any constraints. It’s only half true. The other half is that my fear of authority is still present. I am afraid of the need to hide myself again after all the work I have done.
However, as I continue to expand myself, there are more I want to do. I want to help immigrant & 1st generation women leaders like me to advance their careers with a balanced life and less struggles. I’m super excited as I imagine myself working with senior leaders to change their life and the company culture.
There is only one problem – my fear about authority. As soon as the fear comes up, my thought immediately goes to: “how can I coach them powerfully if I haven’t been at their level? Will they even want to talk to me?“
I know deep down, I am the one who is doubting myself. When I don’t show up energetically with deep belief in myself, people can sense it.
Then, it’s more inner work. I continue to reach out to high-level leaders and stretch myself regardless of what my inner critic says. It is not easy. It’s like taking two steps forward and one step backward every time.
Until today, in this very conversation, everything changes. The world looks different afterwards.
As I talk to the VP, I see her for who she is beyond her title for the first time – a strong female leader who feels like she can’t be her authentic self. I see and feel her pains, her doubts, her fears, her struggles, and her drive to change and serve others.
“Of course I can help her.” I thought. My heart is pounding heavily. I might not have been a VP, but exposing and releasing pains, doubts, and fears to help people move forward is what I am good at! I can’t believe it. My desire to help her is so strong, it puts my doubts and fears in the back burner.
Before I have a chance to back out, I hear myself ask her: “would you like to have a coaching session with me?“. My mouth is dry but I look directly into her eyes. The ask just feels right to me because of my compassion toward her.
Her answer doesn’t even matter to me because I take a big step forward. I realize that I don’t have to be an expert on what people are good at. I don’t even need to have no fears.
What I need is to follow what pulls me forward. My gift is to see people for who they truly are and offer them the opportunity to see themselves and the world differently.
“Don’t be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.” ― Roy T. Bennett
Love,
Wen