In recent months, I’ve talked to a few people who were in fairly low energy when they found me. They constantly doubt themselves and feel anxious. Or, they get angry at life and feel resentment. They are stressed and disappointed all the time. They feel like things are happening to them and they have no control. They feel stuck without the energy to get themselves out. It is such a common human experience. I have so much empathy which prompted me to write this post and possibly many more in the future.
I was in the same situation many years ago. I was unhappy and depressed. I was afraid of dreaming because of the constant disappointment I felt from myself and my work. I didn’t have the mindset, energy, or beliefs in myself or my surroundings to make the situation better. Luckily, I looked for help and hired my first coach.
I was attracted to my coach because of the energy he radiated and the world view he had. He said: “I got you! I trust you! You can be what you hope for as long as you are willing to learn and challenge yourself.” Since I was at the rock bottom, I took it as a sign that I can only go up from here. I learned so many lessons in the short 4 months.
The first and the biggest lesson I learned is about Trust.
Trust is hard for me. I grew up in a family where we didn’t talk about our emotions. I learned from experience to protect myself so other people can’t take advantage of me. I believed people needed to “earn” my trust even when I didn’t show my true self. Especially after ending a long-term relationship feeling betrayed, I didn’t want to be the fool to trust and then hurt myself again.
The problem was though by not trusting others, my days were dull. I didn’t feel hurt but also gave up on the deep connections that I longed for. I felt empty. I didn’t know not trusting people was the root cause of my unhappiness until I had the conversation with my coach.
“The CHALLENGE and the work is how to trust yourself to invite trust in…to get to a place of safety and security without relying on others.” – Coach Daniel
My mind just exploded. I never thought that not trusting others is actually the reflection of not trusting myself. And, in order to fully trust others, I need to get to a place of safety and security without relying on others.
Yet, it’s so true. I looked outward and waited for something or someone to provide what I need to be happy. The tendency made me needy and relied on things I can’t control. I had a problem saying no to people in order to be loved. It’s such a relief that I can give it to myself. As soon as I took on the responsibility to trust myself, my world started to shift.
Trusting Self
There are three levels of trust: trusting self, trusting others, and trusting the process. Trusting Self was the most important and the hardest for me. You can’t have the other two without trusting yourself. I was heavily conditioned by my family and society. At school, my worthiness was tied to my grade with a sole purpose of getting into a great university. I’ve always been the curious and street smart kind of kids. Having the “right” answers without asking too many questions didn’t work for me. I didn’t have good grades and felt less than when I didn’t get into top schools.
After I started working, my worthiness was tied to my productivity. I didn’t believe I’m worthy of love without all the external accomplishments and validations. So I cared too much about how others looked at me and worked tirelessly so no one would find out that I was not as good as they thought. See, I embraced all the “SHOULDs” my family, work, and society gave me.
“I should study hard and go to great schools”
“I should work in a company for a long time”
“I should stay quiet and not have too many opinions”
“I should work hard and climb the career ladder”
“I should help others as much as possible for them to like me”
“I should not show my emotions because it’s a sign of weakness”
I internalized the list above and many more as my own. I thought those SHOULDs promise happiness and prosperity. I just had not mastered them. I just needed to try harder.
Until, my coach challenged my thinking. The real eye-opener was to think about my own definition of success. And, how those SHOULDs helped or pushed me further away from it. By understanding my deepest desires and questioning my thoughts, I started to consciously change my behaviors:
- I experimented with small ways to make things better at work rather than accept what was.
- I practiced vulnerability and talked about my feelings, my fears, and my dreams. Slowly, instead of fitting in, people came to me because they resonated with the real me. This is how I found my crew.
- I made bets with myself for the things I’ve never done before. It was as small as inviting someone to be coached by me for the first time. Or, it was as big as quitting my job for a year to travel, connect, and explore.
- I communicated clearly even if it seemed to hurt the relationship in the beginning. I had my voice heard with the opportunity to learn what the other party really thought. Again and again, it helped deepen my relationships.
The conditions around you are not someone else’s fault, but indicators of things within you that need to be addressed. – Ryuu Shinohara
The process of re-programming myself from the conditioning is long, involved, and rewarding. I learned to unlearn and release what no longer served me.
Little by little, my trust toward self grew because I started to understand and listen to myself. I made and kept promises even if it took me a while. (hey, I fulfilled my promise of writing a blog about coaching 3 years later). I found ways to get uncomfortable because it’s the best way for me to learn. Of course, doubts and fears always show up. They are a big part of “being human” and I accept them. Facing the unknown and trusting the process is the ultimate trust toward self.
It’s your turn to practicing trusting yourself more:
What do you really really really want?
How do your SHOULDs help or push you further away?
What is the first SHOULD you want to challenge? (even a small step matters)
What support can you build in now to start trusting yourself more?
Love,
Wen