I was laid off in April.
I’ve been through many layoffs but it’s the first time I was on the chopping board. My biggest challenge is tying my self-worth to my productivity and results. Work has become the best way to validate myself. I got my reputation from working hard and delivering quality work ahead of time. I’m known for building self-sufficient teams where people feel safe to speak up and take extra responsibilities. I pride myself to create leaders and to level up everyone around me. I got promoted again and again. I’ve had direct reports come to me saying I was the best boss they’ve ever had years later.
Regardless of my track records of success, this layoff was a slap on my face telling me that I wasn’t good enough for someone.
I wasn’t even happy at work. A new executive joined the company. Within a few weeks, I lost two leaders who I respected the most. There was no clear vision but lip service. There were tons of fears and confusion. It’s clear that the culture was not for me. I was contemplating quitting when the layoff happened. It’s a relief that I was no longer in that environment. However, some part of me still felt ashamed that I was on the list. I felt betrayed by the company. Anger and resentment took over whenever I thought about how I and others were treated. I also had a strong fear that these so-called “leaders” could overpower me and my life before they even know me. I became skeptical toward companies in the tech industry.
The funny thing is, the tech industry is home to me. It’s where I’ve spent half of my life. Since I became a full-time coach, the most impactful thing I can think of doing is to bring humanity back to tech. I want to escape the hierarchy but I was pulled back by my deepest desire to bring changes to the tech industry. I was torn.
Six months later, I finally landed.
I learned that I clung to anger because somehow it made the bad guy wrong and me right. I was the victim here. As long as I hang on to my resentment, I thought I could justify the layoff and mentally prove to myself and others that I am still worthy. It’s the guy’s fault that he didn’t see how good I am.
I literally gave my power away to a guy I don’t even know. I made sure it’s his responsibility to validate my worthiness.
I was the one who cared so much about how others saw me. I was the one who did not believe in my own worthiness. I was the one mistreated myself. I was the one who kept feeding myself anger and resentment instead of acceptance and love.
Ouch! That realization really hurt. It seems so ridiculous, yet that’s what I did to myself, for months.
The good news is that once I knew I was the one bullying myself, I can stop it.
I can say sorry and truly hug myself without judgement.
I can take my power back without waiting.
I can start believing and valuing myself.
I can take back the responsibility to make myself happy, and own it, completely.
I can see executives as human without fear.
I am willing to believe others again.
I can help others take back their power, just like I did!
“Power isn’t a mood, an outfit, a moment, or a pose.
Power is the ability to access your deepest desires,
express them fully to others, and use them to influence
other people and the world at large.” — Kasia Urbaniak
Where are you giving away your power?
Love,
Wen
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