Do you have the following experience? You set a goal and you work really hard to achieve it. Once you get there, you only allow yourself to be happy for a few hours (sometimes only minutes). Almost immediately, the goal shifts again to something bigger. Then you compare where you are vs where you want to be again. It never feels enough. As a result, you never feel you’re enough.
Yes! Me too!
I suffer from this Hyper Achiever syndrome of never enough. And, so do many of my clients.
In a coaching session, I noticed this automatic thought pattern when one of my clients brought up her experience. When we create a vision of what we really want, a gap is created between the current us and the ideal us. We then focus on bridging the gap. We know we are progressing but it feels like catching up. The worst thing is once we get there, we create a new gap, like a never ending story. It’s like a race we can’t win because we keep extending the finish line as we get closer.
I helped my client create a shift by having her reflected on where she was when we first started coaching and where she is now. As she reviewed the 3 biggest jumps in her life and career, it all happened in the past 2-3 years. Looking back, these seemingly impossible goals have become a reality. She reflected: “These are coming from dreaming big and listening to my heart.” That was a great awareness for her to savor the moment and acknowledge the courageous actions that brought her to now.
We often forget to celebrate our accomplishments. Even when we are reminded of the things we’ve done, it’s still hard to feel enough in the process of pursuing the next dream.
“What can we do to pursue our dreams without coming from a place of not enough?”
I’ve had this question in my mind for months since that coaching session. Finally, I landed on a quote that answered it for me.
“The way to measure your progress is backward against where you started, not against your ideal” ~ Dan Sullivan, The Gap and The Gain
As I learned more about the idea of the GAP and the GAIN, I realized I am in the GAP all the time. A few examples:
- When I try to prove myself
- When I don’t feel complete and whole without reaching my goals
- When I am mentally here but wish I can be there when I hit my goals
- When I just signed a client and immediately think about where my next client is
- When I compare myself to others
- When I only see the differences between my coaching income and my w2 salary in tech
I am embarrassed and amazed at how often I think in the gap. This is totally normal according to the authors since we are conditioned to think this way at school and in society.
Everything changes when I allow myself to be in the GAIN and stay here. I started measuring backward against when I brought my coaching practice full-time 4 months ago.
- I connected with 90+ people to hear their stories
- I applied for and got into a coaching accelerator program to be among leaders I felt were too high calibre to me. I had two breakthrough:
- I no longer have regret in my life
- I finally took the responsibility back to make myself happy after the layoff
- I continue investing in coaching and surround myself with the best coach and a supportive coaching community
- I stretched myself out of my comfort zone to have two workshops. Even when I beat myself up for low attendance rate, I learned a ton and made a few friends
- I said many NOs to the cushy opportunities in tech
- I signed one new client with three renewals
- I had my first coaching plus hiking session to astonish my client
Although it seems like a long list, my old self would be proud and happy for a few minutes and then resetting myself to ground zero upon looking at my next big dream.
Now, I start to think differently.
- I anchor myself to build on top of what I’ve already done to create momentum
- I stay focus and committed to be here instead of trying to rush to the next place
- I know when I am “being” successful in my own definition
- I have big dreams – I am already happy and the dream is for me to continue to expand that happiness
- I can be happy for other people’s success without comparing myself to others
I feel so much lighter, excited, and happier learning to stay in the GAIN.
What GAINs do you have when you measure your progress backward against the you 90 days ago?
Love,
Wen
P.S. There are many ways I can support you in your growth journey
- Subscribe to my blog posts here where I share my learning along the way.
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