In a coaching conversation, Sam brought up his challenge – as a first-time manager, he has a problem with being direct with his reports because he wants to ๐๐ ๐ง๐ข๐๐.
I asked him why he wanted to be nice. He said he doesn’t want to be seen as a jerk. And, he feels the need to always show up positively and package the negative information.
There are a few issues with wanting to be nice:
โ The thought of “if I’m not nice, I’m a jerk” is simply a lie. Yet, the fear of other people’s opinions prevents us from seeing the truth. We humans make up stories on how people might perceive us. Because of this, we donโt really show up. Instead of validating the stories, we let these stories run our life.
โ When we are unclear, we are unkind. It’s confusing to send mixed messages. People then need to guess what we really means. This is where miscommunication occurs. This is where we lose trust.
โ When we want to ๐๐ ๐ง๐ข๐๐, we miss the opportunity to push and grow ourselves (and others!)
โ We say YES when it should have been a NO when we need to be nice. We build up resentments.
Being nice is like an addiction to manipulate other people to like us.
But what has been nice costing us?
I invite him (and all of us) to ๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ ๐ซ๐๐๐ ๐ญ๐ก๐ ๐ง๐๐๐ ๐ญ๐จ ๐๐ ๐ง๐ข๐๐ ๐ญ๐จ ๐ญ๐ก๐ ๐ฐ๐๐ง๐ญ ๐ญ๐จ “๐๐ ๐ค๐ข๐ง๐”.
โจKindness is clearly communicating what you really mean.
โจKindness is not making assumptions about others and the situation.
โจKindness is showing up to inspire others to do the same.
โจKindness is saying NO when you really mean NO instead of having resentment with your YESes.
โจKindness is a state of being that’s loving (whereas be nice comes from fear)
What does being kind, direct, and curious look like when โthe need to be niceโ comes up next time?
Love, Wen